Content Warning:

The Virgin contains the following:

LGBTQ Slurs

Misgendering

Transphobia (Light)

Vaguely Described Sex

~ In which there is a mistaken identity ~

Tonight was performance night at the kink club, and Lily needed a date. It was too weird to show up to the club and watch people spank each other by yourself. So while her sociology professor rambled on about something to do with sexuality, she took a more pragmatic approach, scanning the crowd for another girl like her.

Bingo. In the back left corner of the lecture hall, there was a messy-haired woman - clearly growing it out - with a visible Eve’s apple, as the community sometimes called it. She wore an Amazon Basics skirt, an oversized pink and blue graphic tee, and a choker. There was no way in Lily’s mind that she wasn’t trans.

After class let out, Lily beelined to catch up to the mystery girl.

“Hey,” she said, a bit out of breath. “I saw you from across the room and liked your vibe.”

“Oh…” The girl responded, bewildered. “Uh… I’m sorry.”

“No, no, no, it’s a good thing! I’d like to ask you out!”

“On a… date?”

Lily noted the girl’s cis-passing voice. It was very impressive - she never managed to get the hang of the whole “fire from heat” thing herself, even after multiple years of transition.

“Yes!” Lily replied. “To a kink club. It’s performance night tonight!”

“I’d have to perform?!?”

“No, there are performers on stage.”

“I’m still not sure… it sounds like a lot…”

“I really think we’d have fun. You’re very cute.” Lily winked.

“Well… okay!”

“Great! I’m Lily, by the way.” She smiled.

“I’m Kai!”

Lily’s face drooped. She looked down at Kai’s chest to see a he/him pin on his jacket.

“Oh… oh, shoot!” She slapped her knee. “I forgot! They rescheduled it to Wednesday this week.”

“That’s alright, I’m free Wednesday.”

“I mean Thursday.”

“Oh no!” He effeminately put his hands up to his cheeks. “I have a midterm that night!”

“Oh well, guess it wasn’t meant to be. See ya!” Lily speed walked away, leaving Kai even more bewildered than when she showed up.

Passable.

Created by Cassandra Erica

~ In which compulsory heterosexuality finds its hostess ~

Alice and Sarah sat in their usual spot at the local coffee shop. They were quite a pair, easily mistaken for the devil and angel on your shoulders - respectively. Alice was covered in dark clothing, tattoos, and piercings, but Sarah looked like she had just left church - and she had. Alice drank an unsweetened matcha latte, while Sarah sipped her pumpkin spice frappe.

“You know,” said Sarah, her usual bubbly self. “You could absolutely get with a guy if you wanted to.”

“I know. It’s not that hard.” Alice replied in her darker voice as she attempted to balance the salt shaker on top of the hot sauce. It wasn’t going too well.

“I don’t mean, like, one of your… hookups. I’m talking about a real relationship, for example. You’re good enough!”

Alice rolled her eyes. “Why would I want that?”

“Because guys… are cute.”

Alice fiddled with the salt shaker and backed her hands away slowly. She finally got it to stay still. “Disagree.”

“Come on, Alice! They have big muscles, strong hands, they’re covered head to toe in hair you can grab onto. What’s not to like?”

“All of that. Literally all of that.” The salt shaker fell to the floor and shattered. Alice didn’t care. “It seems to me you should know exactly why I don’t like it.”

“Well… yeah, I know why we don’t want to be like that, but come on! The contrast is intoxicating! My dainty little hand, squeezed tightly in his…”

“Keep talking and Ray Blanchard is gonna pop through that door and kiss you right on the mouth.”

“Who? Anyway…” Sarah bit her lip. “I only bring this up because…”

“Here we go…”

“I’ve been seeing this guy…”

Alice threw up her arms. “Just have sex with him already, Sarah! You really think your god cares that much about what or who you stick up your ass?”

“The bible says not to have sex before marriage!”

“Loophole: don’t marry him. Then it’s sex instead of marriage.”

“But I really think he’s a keeper! The thing is, I just know he’s getting impatient with me, and -”

“Has he told you this?”

“No, but -”

“Men are not difficult to understand. If he wants sex, he’ll tell you.”

“Please, please please please, just… keep him warm for me! I’ll be your best friend!” Sarah fluttered her eyelashes.

Alice held her eyelids half open as she took a sip of her drink. “No.”

“But he’s got a really full, yet tidy, beard. And - and a nose ring!”

“I do like nose rings…”

Sarah perked up.

“… on women. And enbies. What I’m trying to say is, and I have made this clear, I’m specifically not interested in men.”

“Come onnnnnnn…”

“How would this even work? What, are you gonna blindfold him or something? I look nothing like you.”

Sarah put the tip of her finger to her lips. “Hm. I didn’t think that far ahead. I might need to blindfold him anyway…”

“Wait a minute, wait a minute… have you not told him?”

Sarah crossed her arms and stared at the espresso machine behind the counter, avoiding eye contact like a suspect in a police interrogation. “Told him what?”

“Don’t play bimbo, honey, I’m not falling for it.”

“What?”

“You haven’t told him that you ordered Taco Bell and got delivered Hot Dog on a Stick.”

“You don’t have to be so crass about it.” Sarah sighed. “But yeah, I haven’t told him I’m trans.”

“How exactly has he not noticed? Have you even touched this man?”

“We’ve kissed!”

Alice glared.

“Not with tongue, but we’ve kissed! Held hands, even!”

Alice gasped sarcastically. “Scandalous.”

“And, look, not to brag or anything, but I’m very good at tucking.”

Alice chuckled. “From what I’ve heard, you don’t need to be.”

Sarah scoffed. “I don’t need a big one of those. Unlike some people, I don’t plan on using it.”

“You’re also too holy to use any of your holes.”

Sarah slammed on the table. “I told you, we kissed!”

Brayden, the token transmasc friend of the group, popped into the coffee shop with the authoritative masculinity of a twink. He smiled when he saw the others, quickly pulled up a chair, and played a little rhythm on the table with his palms.

“How’s it going, girlies?”

Sarah sighed like a teenager with a crush. “We’re talking about this guy I’ve been seeing.”

 Brayden didn’t hesitate to ask. “You screw him yet?”

“No!”

“Look…” Alice shrugged. “Even with a blindfold you’ve got no chance. I can tell you now, from personal experience, that the two holes - though alike in indignity - do not feel the same.” She took a smug sip of her matcha. “Even a virgin could tell the difference.”

“That’s ridiculous.” Sarah shook her head. “How would a virgin know anything about that stuff?”

“Back me up, Brayden.” Alice gestured to him. “They’re totally different.”

Brayden put his finger to his lips. “Are they? I never thought about it.”

“You don’t know? You’re the biggest slut in the damn city!”

“Thank you!” He cutesily held his hands under his chin.

“You’ve never stuck your fingers inside yourself?”

He shrugged. “Never had any need to.”

The busboy, an awkward 18-year-old with acne, ran over to clear the floor of broken glass and salt before someone could get injured. He knelt down next to Brayden’s seat and swept it all into a dustpan.

“Sorry, sir… I’ll be out of your way in a moment.”

“Ooh, I like it when you call me ‘sir’.” Brayden smirked at him. “And you look pretty on your knees, too.”

The busboy blushed. “Uh…” 

“Could you be a good boy for me and fetch a cup of black coffee?”

He laughed nervously and ran off with butterflies in his stomach.

“I bet that guy’s a virgin.” Alice said. “Should we ask him?”

“Yeah!” Sarah held out her hand. “I bet you twenty bucks he doesn’t know the difference.”

“No, no, no, no, no,” Brayden said, shaking his head. “You can’t ask him, he doesn’t know anything.”

Sarah held out her arms to the side. “That’s the point!”

“Even if your boy-toy is a virgin, we can’t just ask another virgin to guess what the holes feel like with no context! It’s like asking a legally deaf man to describe an EDM concert! You get nothing but vibes!”

Sarah looked at Brayden, slightly disgusted at what she was hearing. “Are you suggesting we find our ‘test subject’ someone to have sex with?”

Brayden smirked. “Don’t mind if I do.”

The busboy arrived with the cup of coffee and stared at the floor as he placed it on the table. Brayden caught a glimpse of his nametag.

“Thank you, Noah,” Brayden purred.

Noah made a noise somewhere between a giggle, a whimper, and a moan. He turned around and speed walked away.

Brayden took a sip of his coffee, which he drank sans-cream purely for aesthetic reasons, and set the mug back onto the table. “I’ve done this sort of thing before, so believe me when I say we need a very robust and defined procedure for this experiment.”

~ In which Lily meets the woman of her wet dreams ~

Lily grabbed a seat on the bus and watched as the other people boarded. A woman with a strong jawline and a goth aesthetic caught her eye immediately. The woman sat on the bench right across from her and their gazes met. This woman had everything Lily loved about women! She had to shoot her shot.

“Come here often?” She asked her.

She smirked and looked Lily up and down and replied in a deep, dark, sultry voice - even deeper than Lily’s. “Not often enough, clearly. I didn’t know people on public transit were so attractive.”

“Oh, well, some of us are, I suppose. There are a lot more attractive people at the club I’m going to tonight.”

“What sort of club is that?”

“It’s on the down-low, actually. I’m only allowed to tell you if you give me your name, phone number, and Instagram handle.”

“Subtle. Alright, I’ll bite.” She held out her hand. Lily handed over her phone, open to the ‘new contact’ page, and she sat next to…

“Thanks…” Lily peeked at the screen. “Hazel. Did you name yourself after the pretty color of your eyes?”

Hazel giggled. “Alright, you got what you wanted. Tell me about this club.”

“It’s a kink club up Jamboree. This is a performance night. A dom and a sub will perform a scene on stage.”

“Sounds perfect for a first date.”

“I’m glad you agree.”

“I’ll clear my calendar and meet you there. That is…” She handed her phone to Lily. “If you give me your name, phone number, and Fetlife handle.”

~ In which the kinks are worked out ~

Lily strutted into the cafe with a massive grin across her face and pulled up a chair at the table. “Guess who’s got a date for tonight?”

Alice chuckled. “Brayden, it looks like.”

“What do you mean?”

Sarah provided context. “Alice and I have a bet about whether a virgin could tell the difference between the holes.”

Brayden pointed his thumb at himself. “So I’m plotting an experiment to find the answer! Also, I’m part of the procedure.” Brayden beamed. “Because I’m the holes.”

Lily looked wearily at the other three at the table. “How? How do you so easily…” she fluttered her hands like a butterfly. “… let things like this fly out of your mouths?”

He took a swig of coffee. “I like putting a lot of things in my mouth. Something has to come out eventually.”

“Unreal.” She rubbed her forehead. “So you’re having sex with a virgin, blindfolded, just to settle a bet. Surely he’ll be able to tell.”

“No he won’t!” Sarah asserted. “It can’t be that different! I’m confident! I’ll give you double odds if you want in.”

Alice groaned. “I’m telling you, they are that different. And the front hole is the cream of the crop jeans. Right, Lily?”

She waved her hands in front of her face, “Oh, I don’t have personal experience in that field.”

Confused, Alice replied with the only word which came to mind. “What?”

“I’ve never been with a cis woman, so I don’t know what it’s like. But it’s gotta be pretty different, right? People say the back door is tighter.” Lily flagged down a waitress. “Where are you performing this experiment, anyway?”

“At the busboy’s place, hopefully.” Brayden shrugged. “You know, if he can host.”

“You haven’t asked?”

“We’re still putting the finishing touches on the procedure before we get the poor boy too flustered.”

“Maybe you can help, Lily.” Alice pointed at Brayden’s notepad. “Re-open the blueprints!”

Lily turned to the waitress. “I’ll just have my usual order, thanks.”

Brayden flipped to a page. “Our current draft, up for consideration, is as follows: we flip a coin - heads he gets vag, tails he gets tail. Then we ask him which hole he thinks he was in. Rinse and repeat.”

“What about heads he gets head?”

“Lily, are you even paying attention?” Sarah shook her head. “That’s not part of the bet.”

“Yeah,” Alice snorted. “After all, Sarah, you’d never.”

Lily agreed. “Seriously, you’re a total prude. How are you even entertaining this idea? This experiment involves two men having sex.” She took a swig of her fresh-hot mocha, which the waitress had just set down. “Aren’t you supposed to be homophobic?”

Sarah rolled her eyes. “I’m trans, none-nuts.”

“But you’re religious.”

“It’s not my soul on God’s chopping block. And he was going to have sex with that guy anyway!”

Brayden nodded. “Can’t argue with that.”

“Wait…” Sarah gasped. “I just realized something! The fruit of knowledge! Adam couldn’t cough it up!”

Alice rubbed her head. “Great, she’s lost it.”

“It’s a metaphor, Alice! Once a man knows the feeling of the front hole, he’ll know when he’s somewhere else. He can’t stop knowing!”

“So…”

Sarah daintily slammed her fists on the table. “We need to do it in the butt first!”

Lily shrugged. “The good lord would want it that way.”

Sarah continued. “The real question is whether we can fool my boyfriend, so what we should do is put the busboy in the back and tell him he’s in the front.”

“Uh…” Brayden pondered. “Is that ethical?”

Alice groaned. “That may be what you want to know, Sarah, but that is not our bet. You’re just admitting the virgin will be able to tell the difference.”

“But he won’t even be a virgin after he’s had vaginal sex! He’ll be hyper-sensitive - of course he’ll be able to tell the difference back-to-back!”

Lily interjected. “You mean back-to-front.”

Brayden raised his hand. “Actually, I’d really prefer front-to-back since going stink-to-pink could give me an infection in the -”

Sarah put her hand in his face. “You stay out of this.”

Lily took another sip of her mocha and shook her head. “You’re really angling for the poophole loophole, here, huh? Wait… you don’t even have a front hole…”

“I will eventually… maybe! And if I’m not married yet, I’ll need to save that for my husband, too!”

Alice frowned. “You can’t just change the terms of the bet!”

Sarah frowned back. “Well, I don’t care about the results if I don’t find out what I want to know! It’s simple! You always hear about guys saying they ‘missed’ and ‘oops, didn’t notice’, and I want to know - no, we need to know, on the purest of pure levels, whether their claims are plausible! It’s the duty of science!”

“You just want to know if you can trap your stupid boyfriend.”

“Husband! Husband! I’m not having premarital sex!” She looked at the ceiling and held up a purity ring on her finger. “I promised!”

“Forget it,” Alice crossed her arms. “This isn’t worth the hassle. Bet’s off.”

“Awww…” Brayden mimicked the pleading-face emoji. “Can I still do it anyway?”

“Uh…” Lily stammered, her gaze glued to her phone screen.

“What?” Sarah asked. “Searching yourself for another witty quote?”

“Uh…”

“Coming up with a sarcastic jab?” Alice prodded.

“Uh…”

“Found something good on the ‘hub?” Brayden queried.

“She… she… how?”

“Who?” Brayden leaned over the table to try to get a peek. “Maybe I know her.”

“My date tonight is cis!” Lily pulled at her hair in a panic.

Alice took another sip of matcha. “You always do fall for the clocky ones.”

~ In which Lily gets mugged ~

Lily, Alice, Sarah, and Brayden stepped into their shared one bedroom apartment. They live in Irvine - you expected them to all have their own places?

Lily plopped down, longways and face-first, onto the couch. “Ugh…” she said, muffled by the cushion.

“You’re being ridiculous,” Alice said, pouring a glass of orange juice from the fridge. “Cis women are just like us. A little less slutty, maybe, but it’s within the margin of error. You’ll be fine.”

Lily turned her head to the side. “In theory, sure. But I’ve never been with one!”

“Never?”

“Never!”

“Not even, like, in high school or something? You never made out with a cis girl?”

Sarah, sitting on a barstool and texting the guy with the nose ring, reminisced. “Nope, she was pathetic in high school.”

Lily was not amused by Sarah’s bluntness. “Thanks, Sarah.”

“It’s true, though, isn’t it? You were one of those incel-types. You were so desperate, you even came on to me. And who knows how many other boys.”

“No, no, no!” Lily shot up, bouncing upright in the middle of the couch. “I didn’t proposition any boys! Not one! I could tell you weren’t a boy!”

Sarah snorted. “Sure. You ‘had a feeling’.”

“I did have a feeling! I did!” She pointed accusingly. “I’m gold star, baby, gold star! Don’t you forget it!”

“You really have come a long way, Lily.” Sarah giggled. “It takes confidence to ask a girl out to a kink club.”

“Ha! That’s nothing! I once went on a first date at a sex dungeon.”

Sarah gulped. “For your first date?!?”

Alice answered for her. “That’s just T4T culture, Sarah. You wouldn’t get it.”

“Where’s the anticipation? Where’s the buildup? How do you even get to know each other?”

Lily shrugged. “The music is a little quieter on the balcony.”

“Why don’t you just get lunch first?” Sarah held her fingers to her temples as if trying to prevent a gay-onset headache.

“Lunch? You can’t have lunch with someone you barely know. I gotta be sure we can hold a conversation before I commit to lunch.”

“No wonder your relationships never last.” Sarah scoffed. “Why pay for the cow when she’s a total slut?”

Brayden poured a cup of stale coffee from the pot on the brewer. “Almost as venerable a slut as myself, and yet you’ve never lingus’d a single cunn. What a fantastic lesbian you are, Lil.” He took a smug sip, his expression souring a bit at the taste. “How old is this coffee?”

“I don’t know,” Alice said, “I think you were the last one to use the machine.”

Brayden looked at his mug in horror. “That was last week!” A look of realization came to his face, and he sniffed at the coffee. His eyes went wide and his smile even wider. “Lily, you have to smell this!”

“What, why?”

“This cup of coffee smells just like a girl I hooked up with last year!”

“Gross.”

“No, no, don’t you get it?” He rushed over to the couch and sat next to her. “You need to get used to this smell! It’ll raise your confidence!”

He pushed it into her face and she recoiled. “Dude, what?”

“The smell is really surprising the first time, but once you get used to it, you’ll love it!”

Alice took a sip of her orange juice. “That was almost a full month around here without food poisoning. I’ll reset the counter.”

Hesitantly, Lily leaned into the cold cup of Jolene. She took a couple whiffs and tilted her head. “It’s… sour.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Brayden said, rolling his free hand. “It’s naturally acidic. Keep smelling.”

“It’s… almost like cantaloupe? Mixed with bread?”

“That’s the musk. Let it flow through you and intoxicate you.”

“Should I… should I taste it?”

“You gotta tease her first.”

Lily made awkward eye contact with him and licked the rim of the mug with just the tip of her tongue.

“Okay,” Sarah said, grabbing her purse from the counter. “I’m out of here.” She got up and walked out, slamming the front door behind her.

Alice watched intently, sipping on her juice.

Lily rolled her eyes and took the mug into her hands, taking a small, yet bigger than ideal, first sip. She spit it out onto the floor immediately.

“Ew! Why does it taste like that?”

Brayden scoffed. “I told you to take your time, girl. You’re never going to please a woman with that lack of patience.”

“Wow,” Alice took another sip of her orange juice. “I think you may have just lost your gold star after that display.”

Lily leaned away from Brayden’s coffee mug, eyes wide. “What have I just done?”

Brayden giggled. “Did you enter subspace? Just from muff-diving into my mug of week-old Folger’s?”

“You’re like some kind of reverse spaghetti girl,” Alice said. “Saucy most of the time, but stiff when a boy puts something in your mouth.”

Lily looked down at her crotch and blushed. “I need to take a shower.”

She exited to the bathroom, quickly.

Brayden took a sip of his musky coffee and beamed. “I am going to destroy that busboy.”

~ In which Sarah is unmasked ~

Sarah and her boyfriend, Peter (don’t men always have the most boring names?), sat on his couch watching TV. He yawned and stretched his arms over his head, finally resting one of them on her shoulders. Her heart started racing and she bolted off the couch.

“I have to go to the bathroom!” She blurted out.

He pointed toward the dark hallway. “It’s over there, around the corner.”

She nodded as a ‘thank you’ gesture, but thought that might be too masculine-coded and gave a thumbs-up to hedge her bets before running off. She shut the door behind her and did breathing exercises. She needed to come up with some way to keep him from getting bored of her. She paced around the bathroom, thinking, when she saw a sleep mask on the counter. It gave her an idea - one so crazy it might just work.

It was all so obvious! Why ask Alice to have sex with her boyfriend when she could just get Brayden to do it? There was no way that boy-slut would say no, and he even had the equipment Peter would be expecting. With a blindfold on, her love would be none the wiser!

She left the bathroom with a smirk on her face. “Peter?”

“Yeah babe?” He wiped his nose with a tissue, careful not to disturb his nose ring or his lustrous beard.

“I have a surprise for you. Why don’t we head back to my place?” She winked.

~ In which a busboy is offered bussy ~

Brayden shot finger guns at Alice as they entered the cafe. “Wish me luck!” He approached the busboy, who stood behind the counter, wiping down the coffee pots.

He leaned over the counter in a way which would have provocatively shown his cleavage were he not wearing a binder. He waited for the busboy to turn around. When waiting took too long, he tapped him on the shoulder.

“Hiii, Noah…” Brayden batted his eyes. “How are you?”

“Oh, uh…” Noah quickly wiped his hands on his apron. “Not much, what about you?”

Brayden tilted his head.

Noah gritted his teeth and laughed awkwardly. “I mean… I’m alright. Just, uh, working. Like usual.”

“Working, huh?” Brayden drew an ‘S’ on the countertop with his finger, which was meaningless other than to show how gently he could do so. “When do you… get off?”

Noah swallowed. Brayden liked that.

“I’m off work at seven…”

“Seven, huh? Then I guess, if you’d like to invite me over… you could get off as soon as nine.”

Noah blushed, bright red. “I would love to, but, uh, I still live with my parents…”

“No problem. Why don’t you come over to my place instead?” Brayden winked. “It’s right around the corner. I just have one condition…”

~ In which Lily gets a shot of confidence ~

Lily sat at the bar, fidgeting with a straw. She wore a deep crimson crop top, thigh-high socks to match, and denim short shorts to pull it together - and by “it,” of course, well… you know. She didn’t want any slips.

There were a handful of other trans women around, or at least, Lily was pretty sure. But at this point, could she really trust her intuition anymore? Right was left, up was down, a deep voice was no more than a coincidence and an apple could no longer be relied on to prove the presence of a pair. Lily prided herself on always being able to tell. What happened?

Hazel, the first woman to ever cause cis panic, would arrive any minute for their first date. And then they’d sit together to watch a woman get whipped like cream by her dominatrix. Cream… of course, another drink was exactly what Lily needed to calm her nerves.

“Bartender?” She called out. “Another shot of Baileys, please.”

No sooner than Lily set the empty glass onto the bartop, Hazel came up from behind, tapping her on the shoulder.

“Hey, cutie!” She held her arms out. “I made it!”

 Lily gulped. “Heyyy! Uh…” What was it that cis women liked to talk about? “Do any shopping lately?” No, no, no! That wasn’t right at all. “I mean, did you get anything special for tonight?” Lily winked and forced a smirk. Phew. Saved it.

Hazel sat down on the stool next to her as she giggled at Lily’s remark. “So forward… I like that about you.” She walked her fingers from Lily’s near shoulder to her far shoulder and rested her hand there, making confident eye contact at the same time.

Lily felt like she was going to throw up.

“We wouldn’t want to miss the show, though!” Hazel took Lily’s hand. “Come on, we can still get a good spot!”

The two of them sat off to the side in a booth-like alcove. They had a perfect view of the stage, where BDSM equipment was already set up. It was nothing Lily hadn’t seen before, but she felt naked looking at it with Hazel. As soon as the submissive was brought out on stage on a leash, Lily excused herself to the restroom.

She ran to the sink and splashed water on her face. “Come on,” she said to herself in the scratched-up mirror. “You can do this, Lily. She’s just like all the other girls you’ve dated. Except… for the obvious.” She rubbed her face and groaned.

“You can do it, girl!” A slurring voice said from the second stall. “Don’t let her intimidate you!”

“You got this, queen!” Said another, from the same stall.

Lily nodded. Sometimes, all anyone needs is pep-talk from a girl in the nightclub lavatory. “You’re right. You’re right! I can do this! I’m gonna ask her to come back to my place!”

“Wooooo!” One of the girls cheered.

Lily ran back with newfound confidence. “Thank you, toilet lesbians!”

~ In which we reach a climax… multiple times ~

It was all very scientific, very controlled. The busboy was blindfolded and tied to a wooden chair, naked from the waist down, right in the middle of the living room. Brayden was similarly nude, though he wore a very long shirt. That way, you - the studio audience - couldn’t see anything.

“Are we ready?” Brayden asked Alice.

“Yes,” she replied, “Everything is in position. I have the coin to flip, my notebook full of survey questions, and a pen to fill them in.”

Brayden gave her a thumbs-up. “Ready to part the red sea, Noah?”

“Y-yes. Yes!” The busboy replied, clearly eager to begin the research.

“Hold on,” Alice whispered. “You’re on your period?”

“Yeah,” Brayden replied. “Why do you think I’m so horny?”

“But you’re always… Never mind. I’ll need to add that to the procedure notes.”

She flipped a coin and showed it to Brayden. Tails. He gave a salute and proceeded to approach the test subject. Alice clicked her pen and watched intently.

Mere feet away, Lily and Hazel walked through the hallway of the apartment building. Both laughed at whatever it was that one of them had said, but Lily had a lump in her throat. She was moments away from her first time with a cis woman.

“Anyway,” she said, trying to catch her breath. “I’m not sure if my roommates are here or not, but I’m sure we can get the bedroom to ourselves.” She pulled out the key and shakily inserted it into the lock, missing several times. Hazel gently helped her push it in.

“Hey,” she purred. “No need to be nervous. I won’t bite… unless you want me to.”

Lily released an awkward high-pitched squeal in response, nodded incoherently, and unlocked the door. It opened to reveal a disarming display: Brayden riding the loudly moaning busboy as Alice took notes on the whole thing.

“And how would you describe the sensation you’re feeling right now?” She asked, scribbling something on the page.

“Uh… uhaaahhhh…” The busboy replied.

“Come on, use your words!”

“What is going on here?” Hazel asked, seemingly more aroused than disgusted.

“Oh, uh… just ignore them.” Lily took Hazel’s hand and tried to lead her to the bedroom. “They’re only experimenting.”

“Ha. I know all about that,” she said, refusing to take her eyes off the performance.

Lily let go of Hazel’s hand. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, you know… freshman dorm life, sharing a room with other girls… we got curious. Who didn’t? Don’t worry though, that was like two years ago. Nowadays I am one-hundred percent straight.”

“You’re… what?”

“I’m straight. Only into men now. It was a phase, that’s all. What’s the big deal?”

Lily rubbed her forehead. “If you’re only into men, why did you even give me your number?”

“Wait…” Hazel finally took her eyes away from the center of the living room and looked Lily up and down. “Are you… not a femboy?”

Lily wasn’t sure how to react to that question, so showed every emotion on her face all at once in a statue-like paralyzed expression. “Hazel… My name is Lily.”

The door opened and in walked Sarah and Peter. Sarah was mortified by what she saw, and Peter was too.

“What…” Peter stuttered and covered his eyes. “Oh- Oh my God… What kind of sick pervert are you?!?”

The busboy moaned. Alice noted a humiliation kink.

Sarah’s eyes went wide. “No, no, no, you don’t understand!” She waved her arms to indicate disapproval. “I have nothing to do with this! I don’t know anything about this!”

“But Sarah…” Alice looked up from the notebook. “So far, the data supports your hypothesis!”

Sarah’s expression changed on a dime and she pumped her fist in the air. “In your face, sex-havers!”

“I don’t think I should be here…” Peter said, doing a sign of the cross as he backed away, panicking.

“I don’t either!” Hazel said, moving towards the door. She hid behind Peter, bracing herself against his body. “That horrible deep-voiced dyke is trying to turn me into a lesbian!”

“Hey!” Lily yelled, incensed.

Sarah tugged at her boyfriend’s arm. “Peter, please, don’t go! I can explain!”

“Will you accompany me home?” Hazel asked Peter, appealing to his masculinity. “I don’t feel safe.”

“Sure,” he said, glaring at Sarah. The two walked away.

“That’s a cute nose ring,” Hazel said.

Sarah, fuming, slammed the door for the second time today and frowned at Lily. “Your reverse-trap stole my boyfriend!”

Lily’s eyes were blank as she stared at the continuing intercourse in the middle of the room. “Why did she think I was a femboy…? I wasn’t even wearing my Amazon skirt…” She squeezed her breasts to reassure herself, then realized she was still in the mood.

Lily, Sarah, and Alice silently watched as Brayden continued to ride the busboy. Sarah made a popping noise with her mouth. Alice drew a medically accurate penis in the margins of her notes. Lily bit her lip and looked at the others.

“Do we have any more of that coffee?”

Passable. Season One, Episode One - "The Virgin" 

Written by Cassandra Erica, 2024

Special thanks to Lili Craddock and all who read the original Brain Curds.

~ In which the show is over already ~

Lily and Sarah sat in the cafe, beaten down by their comedies of errors.

“That’s it,” Lily said. “I’m never asking anyone out, ever again. I’ll wait for someone to ask me out.”

Sarah leaned on her elbow. “Does that ever happen for you?”

“Pfft!…” Lily sank. “No.”

“Maybe if you started dating guys…”

Lily scowled at her. “Two words: gold star.”

“Well it works out pretty well for me.”

“You’re kidding, right? That guy with the nose ring wasn’t even your boyfriend. You met last week. Even lesbians don’t move that fast. Plus, you never -”

“We kissed, dammit!” Sarah sighed and shook her head. “He was Catholic anyway.”

“Don’t they only have sex for procreation?”

Sarah shrugged. “He didn’t need to know.”

“Hey…” Lily hesitated to ask. “Do you think I have a deep voice?”

“Yeah, kinda.”

“How did you get yours so bright and high pitched?”

“I started voice training in secret when I hit puberty.”

“So… a long time and a lot of hard work?”

“Pretty much.”

“Dammit.” Lily slumped in her chair. “Figures.” She took a sip of her milkshake and recoiled when her guts rumbled. “You know what, uh… do you want the rest of this? I think all that crotch coffee made me sick.”

“Sure.” She took the glass and sipped, then grimaced. “What is this, a malt?”

“Yeah.”

“Gross.” She pushed it away.

Lily squinted at Sarah. “You really do have awful taste.”

With a spring in his step, Braydon strutted into the cafe, with Noah close behind him. The busboy stumbled a bit as he walked, clearly orgasm-drunk from a long evening.

“Hey, girlies!” Brayden leaned over the table and whispered, holding up a remote. “He agreed to let me peg him!” He squealed. “I’ve got him wearing a plug. Check this out.”

He turned up the knob and a surprised moan could be heard from the men’s room. He turned it back down.

“You know,” Lily said, “Part of the reason I don’t date cis women is because the strap just isn’t the same as the real thing.”

Sarah tilted her head. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“It’s just not, I don’t know what to tell you. Silicone, skin… different.”

Sarah crossed her arms. “I bet a virgin couldn’t tell the difference.”

A lean and sculpted man in his mid-twenties set down a heavy crate behind the counter and wiped the sweat from his brow. His shirt was soaked enough that his nipples poked through.

Brayden smirked. “I’ve got an idea…”